Empathy: A Secret Super Power

I had a really great poster on my wall when I was a kid. It spoke to how to teach kids things, the mentality of my mother and also my family at large. I can't remember exactly what it said but it was a bunch of lines to the effect of if you teach your child to fish then they can be a fisherman, but with values. Things along the lines of if you show your child how to control themselves when they're angry, you'll teach them discipline etc etc. [Bare-with, lemme consult the internet] I think it was this:

I have throughout my life been raised by the premise of 'How would you feel if they did X to you, would you like it?', 'Treat others how you wanna be treated' but also 'Come on, stop your crying, it's not that bad, things could be much worse'.  I come from a long line of Choleric women, largely my mother, who is pretty fearsome herself, though she doesn't see herself that way. A legacy of 'take no shit, particularly not from children.' 

My family show affection by gentle ribbing, if your the butt of the jokes then you're 'in', particularly if you can laugh at it too. There's sarcasm, there's cutting burns, but there's love. You don't talk about it - don't be weird - but it's there. That was my experience anyway - I think my brothers perceived it a bit differently.

Working with children, you automatically relate to them as your parents/family related to you. With a lot of self-reflection and intention that can be overcome, but mostly that's innate, particularly in new situations or when you're tired or scared or [insert other tricky emotion here]. I am constantly comparing my nanny kids to what I did or had or ate or played at their age, and if their normal is my normal, and if not, why not.

I have been criticised as a teacher for being too nice. So I became hard(er). And you have to be hard to teach intermediate kids (11 and 12 year olds), particularly the lot I was dealt.

What I'm now learning more fully is you also have to be soft. You have to be vulnerable, you have to bring something of yourself and your concern to the table. That's how you build real relationships. I know in my heart of hearts that all of those scallywags I taught know without a shadow of a doubt that I cared very very deeply for them, and that was demonstrated by how many came back and visited me - mostly to tell me about the even bigger trouble they were getting in now.

My nanny family are beautiful. They are so lovely, it's like the family version of apple pie - sweet, and warm, a bit fruity, and definitely good for you, if in no other way than on an emotional level. Everything is kindness and 'oh, are you ok, pet?'

And I kinda feel like Julia Roberts in My Best Friend's Wedding. I can't quite put my finger on what, even now, but something deep inside me balks at this. Somewhere, somehow I've internalised this idea that if you're too nice to your kids, if you don't make them clean up after themselves, if you don't yell at them occasionally, then the result will be spoiled brats.

But watching this family in action, nanny mum (NM) is the loveliest most patient, most caring human on the planet. It is a privilege to behold.

I watch NM, and she prizes spending time with her kids, doing their homework with them. She knows intimately who their friends are and what happened in their days, and she worries about the affect of accidentally wearing the wrong uniform or hanging out with the wrong friend on each and every of her children. She is excited for them, and rejoices with them in their successes and mourns their difficulties with them. There is precision and attention to detail to her parenting and it is awesome. She values investing herself into them, investing in the relationships with them and it is beautiful to behold.

Now nanny dad (ND) is also an impressive human. He remembers every skerrick of information I tell him about what I do in my weekends, as well as everything from his kids lives and he is involved and invested in his kids in a really really awesome way. He delights in them and loves to see their art creations and play with them. He rushes home to coach football and obviously enjoys being a dad.

Now I must say this: they are lovely but they're on to their kids, they will call them out on their crap, and it will not be tolerated, but it's done in such a gentle but firm way, the likes of which I've not seen.

I'm with my nanny family 6 weeks now, and these kids are lovely, like properly lovely. They're so well-behaved for me that I'm reasonably sure their parents on bribing them on the sly.

Last week, my hip hit a ledge mid stride, with a full weight whack, and J, the eldest, immediately is all 'Are you ok, Lauren?' with the kind of empathy I've not actually seen in many children, like I could tell that he could tell how much it hurt.

This small act cemented for me probably a stunningly obvious conclusion: in order to teach empathy to our kids, must we show empathy to them, and to ourselves. Instead of viewing this as weakness, instead of this producing spoiled brats, could this in fact be our greatest strength?



It turns out research has been backing this up for decades. Browne (2010) speaks of how the more empathetic a parent is in relation to their child, the more empathetic a child is to the parent, but also to peers. This conclusion is reinforced by study upon study, but my favourite being Cotton's (1992) work - an oldie but a goodie - stating the more parents and teachers teach empathy overtly, the more it occurs, a short read with capitalised letters, ideal for skim reading.

Where do people with empathy get? They're much more adept at building relationships, they're brilliant networkers, because they are good at relating to others. They are more successful at building small businesses and also at maintaining friendships and relationships, according to Laurie Hollman. 

People with empathy are likely to understand the interconnectedness of people and our planet much more, caring for humans and animals alike. They seem like the kind of people we need going forward.

People with empathy, in jobs that require empathy, are unlikely to be replaced by robots - who's want to go to a robot counselor, or be taught by a robot, or have their house sold by someone who can't understand people and their motives?

Imagine what an empathetic police force would look like, and if the empathy muscle was well developed in our politicians. (Jacinda is pretty boss at this though) Is that not the kind of world we should be striving for?

But more than empathy, the way this family interacts teaches amazing communication skills and how to deal with people crossing boundaries assertively, without being OTT or embarrassing anyone.

How much of life drama would be curtailed if adults knew how to have quiet, calm conversations when people cross boundaries? How many marriages saved? How many employees kept? How many friendships restored? (Youtube channel The School of Life is really good at pointers for this kinda thing)

So much of our society at the moment is unable to relate to other factions. This idea of quiet and calm conversations with children about how others think and feel and process things differently to us, might this be the vaccination for misunderstanding? Could this quiet, calm conversation model be the answer to a disconnected, misunderstood world?

The implications for living in this kind of environment are huge. Not only does this help children relate to themselves more, but surely this would go a long way to nipping mental illness in the bud, and perhaps even even quashing suicidal thoughts and ideations if these kind of conversations were more common? Is it that simple? That simple, but that hard.

I went into this role thinking I had heaps to offer this family, and I still think that, but I've been humbled by how much I have to learn from them too. 

This different approach speaks to values, and priorities. Most salient of which I guess boils down to a relationship-oriented life vs a task-oriented life.

For me, this battle of task-oriented vs relationship-oriented has never been fought so overtly in my consciousness before. Another part of my family heritage is being a workaholic. I'm so aware of how much they're paying me, so I'm so mindful of trying to help them feel like they're getting value for money, and I also want to enable them to spend time with their kids when they're not working so I'm busting my arse trying to get as much of the humdrum boring work done as humanly possible. But NM doesn't seem to care, she's just like 'look after my kids, make sure they're happy, have fun with them, everything else after that is a bonus.'

I find I don't quite know what to do with that.

I compare myself to my mother (as I'm sure we all do) and I think I'm a relationship-oriented person, but I am very task-oriented compared to my nanny family. Part of that might be the difference between my professional and my personal mode, but I find it really hard to stop and just play with the playdough with C who is 4.

I got to wondering why I struggle with this so much, and I think it's because I've never had a relationship-oriented job before. Teaching is way too busy to be classified as relationship oriented, though the only way it works is by building rock-solid bonds with kids. I've asked NM for more stuff to do, and she just kinda hasn't replied yet. So I bake. And they're elated. And I sort and rearrange things, and they're stoked.

I spent a bit of time yesterday researching Halloween activities/food/decorations so I look forward to actually doing more fun things with these crazy cats over the next few weeks rather than just issuing directions of 'Right, put your things away, homework, eat, put your things in the sink' and spending some quality time with them. My inner teacher has not yet relaxed enough to be able to 'wing it' or 'chill out and hang out' with them, and as a professional in a job, I doubt it will. Doing things together totally counts as relationship building and quality time riiiiight?

I find I am excited to go to work. I'm really looking forward to enjoying them, and enjoying this job that doesn't even feel like work. What a privilege it is to help raise these beautiful humans.

PS: Quiz on empathy as bonus for reading all the way to the end!