So in amongst all the current doom and gloom, I thought I would tell you about a small victory that we've had recently that, to me, has been mammoth!
We are credit card debt free!!!
Cheers
I feel a little embarrassed admitting to the state the our credit card was in by the time we got to April last year. It was maxed out at NZD$11k.
Despite stringent saving and budgeting, planning and selling as many of our belongings as we could bear to part with to get to Ireland, the 'measly' $23k we saved proved to be nowhere near enough. This was compounded by Jared and I both finishing work before Christmas 2018, and Jared not getting his first paycheck here until 28 March 2019.
We had happily indulged our way across the States with a YOLO philosophy in Jan and Feb and landed in Ireland, assuming we'd both walk in to fabulous jobs, and would be earning similar to what we were in NZ. This, it turns out, was completely untrue. At least Jared had a job lined up, and he'd be getting paid at the end of Feb, right? Also untrue.
Snowed in at the Grand Canyon for 24-48 hours
Grand Canyon
We arrived on Feb 16, and moved into our apartment on 1 March, and woke up the next morning and realised that we had nothing but a bed and a couch. Despite seeking out a fully furnished apartment, there were no things like cutlery or cups or plates, and so we had to start from scratch.
Trying to set up in NZ dollars in Europe is very expensive. IKEA is treated as the panacea of homeware, and sells moderate quality stuff for moderate prices - but you only get ~€0.60 for each NZ $1, and the prices certainly aren't like The Warehouse.
When we first got our credit card, I remember thinking this is an insane amount of money! When will we ever get anywhere near $11 000? Turns out we did. Since we're laying all these cards out on the table, it was actually more like $17 000 spent between Oct 2018 and April 2019.
How, you may ask? I certainly wondered!
Given it started with only a few hundred on it when we left, I did ponder to myself how in the world we got to such a predicament. How do you spent more than NZD$40 000 in 6 months? Well, let me tell you... with much more ease that would be believed.
I was so perplexed by this, I made a pie graph. This pertains only to the credit card, as my ANZ account is no longer available to analyse.
To explain this in terms that others might understand - 7.6% went on things for our NZ house. Nearly 16%, or $2700, went on setting up our apartment, and a further 7% was on setting up our pantry. Transports took a sizeable chunk with 15% between public transport and taxis. Miscellaneous includes a host of random things like travel insurance, marriage certificates, new passports, and a horrendous $167.50 on parking at Wellington airport.
Roughly 16% accounted for eating out and entertainment, which given that we were eating out for 3 meals a day for 5 weeks, is actually less than I expected. This also includes tickets to Broadway shows in New York - because when in Rome...
Initially I was aghast that I had let us get into such a financial predicament. Debt is bad, right? Thankfully, most of it had 6 months interest free!
There were 3 versions of the budget that I had estimated prior to leaving. A no-frills one for about 20k, a some frills one for around 30k, and a pre-pay everything on the house, go hard and enjoy everything fully in the States version for about 40k. Our experience was closer to the go hard and enjoy everything fully end, which was wonderful - but the problem was we didn't start with 40k, and none of them included 6 weeks of no pay in Ireland.
The larger problem was not the U.S. stint or indulging in Broadway shows - in fact even if we'd missed this out, it may not have entirely changed our fate. The problem was Jared not getting paid for 6 weeks after we arrived because we couldn't open a bank account.
Truly boring tidbit - Vegas is that high because I shelled out $1200 on insoles to stop shin splints, not gambling :'(
I was constantly torn between 'we only live once' and 'we also need to live next week', and just because you can eat/drink/go to the movies now, doesn't mean you should.
Eating out is obviously an easy way to save some money, but how do you avoid eating out when you are living in hotel rooms?
All well and good not spending so much on taxis or transport, but you need to get around, and living an hour out of the city comes with its own expenses. (Transport costs were actually exaggerated because we paid for Ubers and people paid us back in cash.)
Should've set up our apartment from second hand stores? Yes, maybe we should have. But when you move to a new country, you lack not only money, you also lack local knowledge of where to go and how best to do things, you don't have the benefit of time to ponder these choices, and it's also super awkward to try and transport a shelf on the bus, so hiring a car and doing it all in one hit is faster, more efficient and less mentally draining, though slightly more expensive.
I have spent an awful lot of time wringing my hands and fretting about how we would ever be able to pay off such an enormous sum when we're only making about around half as much money here as we did in NZ, and our costs of living were way higher. There was a constant knot in my stomach when it came to doing our budget for each new month, knowing that there was simply not enough coming in to cover all the needs and wants.
I have doubled my income from the meagre part time minimum wage I started on in April last year, and that has made a huge difference, but the biggest one was getting a flatmate in to share the horrendous costs of renting in Dublin. That has been a game changer, and since she moved in we have been able to slam the bills, which has been just so liberating. Sending money home, we also had an advantageous exchange rate, which helped greatly.
There was this miasma of slow burning panic that had been ever-present in me since we moved here, and with the shadow of debt gone, it has abated a lot. A welcome relief! There's now an exit option, should we need one.
At some point I just had to choose not to care because the debt served as an interim tool to get us to living in Ireland. There were other ways we could've done it, sure, but that's not how things played out. We lived to tell the tale, and last year was tight, but we still had fun.
So in amongst all of the chaos, illness and uncertainty, I'd just like to give myself a little high five and a quiet 'Yes!' It is done.
R: Lauren, what language do they speak in New Zealand? Me: Mostly English and a bit of Maori... why? R: Oh I thought they spoke New Zealandish. Me: Well we do have a few different words for things. R: *excited face* Can you teach ME to speak New Zealandish? Me: English... we speak English... this is why I can talk to you now... R: What's the New Zealand word for skirt? Me: Skirt R: What? But you call trousers 'pants' and jumpers 'jerseys' and vests 'singlets', and knickers 'undies'? ...Are you sure? Me: Yes, I speak New Zealandish. R: What else is in New Zealandish? Me: Well, you need to know that what you call Wellies, I call gumboots. But I've already introduced you to Pineapple Lumps, which is the most important part.
My life as an immigrant has given me so very many opportunities to reflect upon what once was given, unquestioned, normal. Everything down to the very words that I use for things has come under the microscope...and some of it has been found wanting.
In the process of carving out a new life for oneself, there are a million mini-decisions that lead to a new changed big picture.
We came to Ireland with a giant question mark over our future. I, not knowing what I'd be able to do for a job, or if we'd be able to set up a new life in the style to which we'd become accustomed. A year on, and we're doing alright, but carving out a new life for ourselves is a bigger job than either of us initially thought. (Jared is fine, he had not much of a life to begin with 🤭)
The thing I love about moving somewhere new is the potential for a new life. There is a blank slate, a fresh start! You get to choose, more consciously than normal, what your new habits will be, where you will live, what you will eat, where you will hang out, and with whom.
The thing about potential is perhaps it is not quite as grandiose as you might imagine. See what Dylan Moran has to say on the subject:
You can also try to reassemble your old life just in a new place - try and replicate the same habits with the same types of food, the same types of people, the same utensils in your kitchen, if you're lucky the same brands for shampoo and conditioner and all kinds of things... I've tried this in a limited capacity and found it rather unsuccessful and disappointing.
For example: I've not yet found an equivalent of Nestle Reduced Cream, nor Maggi Onion Soup so I should just give up. Even if I did find suitable alternative, there will never be any chip as good as Bluebird Salt and Vinegar, so why even bother looking? Let chips and dip just be a NZ treat.
This is their selection of soup flavours - nothing remotely close to onion. Oxtail is really not it turns out.
My wild imagination and inexhaustible optimism ensures that I will be eternally disappointed by reality.
But I try nonetheless.
I find myself full of questions like:
'Do I want to be the kind of person who goes to the gym?'
'Do I want to be the kind of person that does groceries once a week and stocks up, or do we just grab them on an ad hoc basis?'
'Do I want to participate in drinking 3 nights in a weekend, or do I have other priorities?'
'What do I want my life here to look like in 5 years time?' (Sketchy plan, but mostly no clue - do I even still want to be here in 5 years time?)
'Can we afford for me to be spending 1.5 days a week not working whilst living in Central Dublin? (Turns out not really)
And the most recent dilemma: 'Do I wanna brave being a cyclist in Dublin?'
I've learned a lot about how much you can change your habits, and also how much you will internally (and seeming eternally) fight those changes, seeking the solace of the 'normal', the familiar, despite it being insanely inconvenient, expensive or otherwise probably a dumb idea.
Absorbing the habit of going to the gym at 6am before being at work at 7:30 has largely worked, but buying only enough groceries to fit in the bar fridge at home? Well that's been more of a challenge.
Setting up a new life involves a million tiny decisions like
'Which mugs resonate with who I am as a person?' (Polka dots, obvs.)
'Is this apartment going to allow me to come the best version of myself?' (Upon further reflection, I don't think self is really limited by apartments)
'Do I want to be the kind of person who has white sheets and white towels? Won't it be like living in a hotel?' (But they're so lush and fluffy!)
'Is there any point to buying new clothes if we're leaving in the next couple of years?' (Clothes swaps and op shops FTW!)
'Am I willing to not eat for a week to be able to afford a city break somewhere in Europe?' (Usually yes, currently no - cancelling travel due to life being shut down.)
Sometimes the answers are obvious. Sometimes you don't like the answer. Sometimes the answer is flexible. Sometimes the answer takes you by surprise. Sometimes you simply don't know.
The other component of this is not knowing what other people's normal is.
Me: The roads are flooded from rain. There's massive puddles everywhere and all the drains are blocked, and gutters are really shallow. How come no one is doing anything about it? MB: Dublin's a really old city, and the infrastructure isn't up for it Me: But surely you'd keep upgrading the infrastructure over time? MB: *looks at me like I'm the freak*
Jared's Boss on Wed: We have work drinks tomorrow night. Make sure you're there, and that you have nothing serious planned for Friday morning. J: Ok, I'll be there. Thu night: J: I'm 5 Guinesses in, might need to slow down to be able to function tomorrow Colleague: *laughs in his face* J: *first to leave, at 11pm* J at 8am the next day: *Only person in office* Everyone else: stumbles in at some point before midday, some hungover, some still in yesterday's clothes as haven't been home yet. J at 5pm: *Only person left in office*
A new normal can be really challenging in a lot of ways, particularly if you're trying to calibrate your normal to someone else's.
It can make you wonder if your normal ways of thinking, speaking, doing life, your expectations and goals are weird, odd or downright freakish.
Here are some of the aspects that this can manifest:
Professionally
Jared had a job lined up before we left, but I wasn't even sure if I was legally allowed to work at first. If I was allowed to work, then I couldn't readily teach. Teaching required €300 for the registration, a shit load of paperwork - half of which was in New Zealand - and besides, Ireland was like a beautiful blank slate, I could be anything I wanted to be! Why would I limit myself to doing what I was doing in New Zealand? I have 3 tertiary qualifications, loads of experience, I'm generally a pretty great human, tech savvy and I have English as a first language. I thought all of these would create a winning combination that would mean I'd have my pick of good jobs from the outset.
It turned out that this was lies.
I applied for a great many jobs, and didn't even get an interview for most of them. My first job was at a hotel that had a revolving door of dissatisfied employees; the ones that stayed we're mostly immigrants from Eastern Europe with few qualifications or options.
Getting interviews was easier once I had some Irish experience, so I then graduated to crèche work. This didn't work out for anyone in the employment equation due to differing profession expectations. Crèches in Ireland are glorified kid jails, and are very jarring coming from a child-led play-based NZ context, where kids can choose where they play and there are no scheduled outside play times.
I then had 12 interviews in 2 weeks, for a vast range of roles, and secured a month-long summer job, then an ongoing casual job as a crèche reliever to start after my summer job, a nannying job to start in August, and - eventually, after I harassed them about why they didn't offer me the job - was offered a job in a tech start up that did financial paperwork for trading firms, working New York hours and occasionally travelling to New York and Amsterdam for training, but paying shit money.
So a 33% job offer rate. I suppose that's good? The problem was the process took forever - applied early June and didn't start until July (then didn't get paid until several weeks later), and the jobs I really wanted I didn't get offered. The job(s) I have now though are pretty awesome.
As I was trawling through all of these thousands of jobs to apply for, I imagined a thousand different iterations of myself - did I want to be a customer service officer for a software company? What would my life look like as a Shopify consultant, working from home? Would I excel as a case manager for people who've been unemployed and are transitioning to work? Would I be happy as a trainer at an IT training institute? Could I bullshit my way into working for the New Zealand Embassy as a driver? (Turns out the answer was no.) I would be amazing as a student liaison officer with high school students here on exchange - why couldn't they see that?!
I began to despair when, having arrived in February, by June, I had had more rejection letters than ever before in my life, and no clue what I could do to change any of these outcomes other than to blindly continue trying.
My imaginings of people being excited to have me as part of any team and me having the pick of a bunch of jobs were simply misguided at best, and deranged at worst.
People didn't want to take a risk on a generalist who had little to no local knowledge.
So now I have a mish-mash of income sources and it is probably my preferred way to earn a living, cos then I don't get too bored or frustrated with one job. I'm helping to raise 3 beautiful humans and teaching coding through Scratch, as well as a bit of regular babysitting. (Although due to Covid-19, my casual work has dried up and I'm on leave from my main job until Thursday, thankfully paid, but who knows how long that will continue.)
I'm now on what I consider to be a 'career break' and work 40 hours a week across 5 days, but also have 1.5 week days off to write. It's kind of a brilliant set up. Hopefully soon to add a bit of relief teaching into this mix as well - which will likely be a whole new world of creating new normals, new ways of engaging with students, new ways of thinking, doing and being.
Socially
Making friends as an adult can be challenging anywhere, if you've lived there your whole life or if you're the new kid on the block. Most people are like Lego bricks and already have their 5-6 people that they're really close to.
I've found the first year anywhere is hard socially, as establishing connections takes time, and usually also money. I don't really have the advantage of having colleagues as such given I work at someone's house, so that avenue of meeting people is out. Meetup has been a godsend, and we're looking into things like dance classes and choirs - as of this week all of which are currently cancelled.
There's a subtlety to the Irish that is largely lost on me. There's a great many people I've met at my various jobs that I've thought were really lovely and I try and pursue friendship with them by way of trying to arrange to hang out, and they'll initially agree, but then make excuses or cancel. I'm not sure if there's some friendship rules here I don't know about or if I've just not found the right people here yet or if there's some social cues I'm totally missing? This results in a fair bit of over-analysing my words and actions, and being less confident and casual than usual. I find trying to read their minds and figure out what they're actually thinking is exhausting.
(Possibly my scathing of the ineptitude of many facets of Irish life definitely doesn't help, and there was a time when a lot of my 'conversation' was just venting about how much less awesome Ireland was than NZ... this might be the crux of most of my problems.)
Also the thing of hosting people seems to be counter-cultural here. People look at me sideways if I say 'Come hang out at mine' or 'Why don't you come over for dinner sometime?' In fairness, there is 6 flights of stairs involved, so it is a bit of an ask.
Financially
I've already alluded to some of our money worries here, but it has taken awhile to adjust to my entire income going to rent, and being left with little in the way of disposable income between us. Compounding this frustration is the calibre of housing you get for that money is mediocre at best. In 2018 we lived on one salary, and saved the other, barely batting an eyelid.
Health
Looking after 5 children that go to 4 different schools, I'm constantly exposed to a plethora of germs and I've been really sick for a lot of the winter just gone. It has forced a greater degree of self-care and decrease in alcohol and sugar intake, which I'm simultaneously grateful for and also despise. It is very difficult to indulge in 'normal' unhealthy habits like going for a drink or having coffee if you don't have any health to gamble with!
It's not all bad though. Some of the new normals here I really like.
Exercise
I have a gym only 10 minutes away. I still don't make it as often as I'd like, but I get there 3 ish times a week, and I like doing weights. My muscles are strong and powerful. I want to be the kind of person that is fit and healthy. I swam a lot in NZ, but weights are new.
Eating
I work with kids who are fussy eaters. It has been a really powerful reminder as to how little humans need to actually exist. Both of their families are very, very health conscious, so I've had to be more so as well. This has permeated through to my home life, and while I have lost a little bit of weight since moving here, I haven't put any on which seems like more of a win.
Commuting
People laugh when we tell them that in NZ we lived in a small town and the furthest you could be was 15 min drive away from something.
I like walking everywhere. It is mildly annoying that it takes an hour to get anywhere in Dublin, but there's a bunch of cool things that one can do with that time, such as writing blog posts or listening to podcasts, or reading books, or just wistfully dreaming of warmth, watching the scenery go by.
The public transport is alright, but you can actually walk through the city centre in the same amount of time as bussing or catching the tram, so walking in definitely incentivised, despite the average weather.
Pubs/Night Life
There will always be a pub close by. Not that I frequent them all that often, but there is no end of amazing bars in Dublin, far and wide. There is always stuff happening, and endless array of music, theatre and craic, which is brilliant. (Although as of today, all of the pubs have been instructed to close. The day before St Patrick's Day. Shit just got real.)
History
Having a history is a new normal. New Zealand is a relatively young country, and has a relatively uneventful history, other than the mess of colonialism. New Zealanders are generally taught everyone else's history rather than our own, and it has been a big deal that the stories of the New Zealand Land Wars are now to be taught in NZ schools.
Ireland on the other hand... so very much history. There have been people here since at least 2000BC, possibly much more, and they have left all kinds of interesting relics and languages and archaeological sites behind. We've been here a year and despite being quite intentional about it, we have barely scratched the surface of learning about Irish history.
I think Irish history gets more interesting the more recent you get though - the 1916 Easter Rising, the War of Independence (1919-1921) and then the Irish civil war (1922-1923), and eventually attaining the goal of an Irish Republic (1949 officially) is so monumental, but also so recent. In some ways, having had such a turbulent last century, Ireland is still finding it's 'normal' as a country, in other ways, having this vast history means there's lots of traditions and culture dating back hundreds if not thousands of years. It can be used as a crutch to blame for things like shitty drainage and why Dublin must sprawl further out rather than build up in the city centre.
Creating a New Normal
The most challenging part of creating a new normal is how easy it is, and also how hard.
The more entrenched and used to a behaviour you are, as an individual or a nation, the harder it is to change. I think part of Kiwi culture is adapting because we have had to - our nation is young and we had to create a bunch of stuff from scratch. We seem to have a normal of looking at what other people have done, deciding it wasn't that good and finding a better way. Change is largely embraced, and if there is a better way of doing things, then that is usually adopted, stat. We have worked hard to learn from the mistakes of other countries, and in a lot of ways have created a pretty amazing progressive little country. (We shall leave the housing crisis, child poverty, the state of the education system and environmental degradation as another adventure for another time...)
You learn early on as a teacher that finding good systems and good habits affects more than just you - it sets your whole classroom up for success or failure based on how good your habits are, so I've learned to reflect, adapt, tweak and implement as a professional habit. Critiquing my normal is a professional discipline.
I remember working at Milson with 2 other amazing professionals and the head teacher would just decide that something wasn't working, ask for suggestions to fix it, and then fix it immediately. The next day, we would change it and tell the kids. The kids were fine with it; it was the adults who took the time to adjust.
I'm quite critical of change for the sake of change, but change for streamlining systems, increased efficiency, decreased costs, less chaos or mess, that is change I can get on board with! Surely, this is how we grow as individuals, but also how we progress as a society?
Trying to scaffold this process in my current job has proved amazingly difficult, to the point where some days I wonder why I bother. After all, it's their home, their kids, who am I to try to improve their ways of doing life? I have no mandate for change other than my own obsession with 'helping' people. They seem to be absolutely fine with their status quo; it's only me that has a problem with it.
And so part of my new normal is to accept their normal, and that I might not have any influence on it. I have to learn to be OK with that.
That one grates.
So in the mean time, I focus on myself, and trying to create a more environmentally friendly normal, a more plastic-free normal, and pondering if I want cycling 20km a day to be part of my new normal. (I bought a bike yesterday, so turns out the answer is yes!)
Looking for name suggestions for my new Pedego electric bike
Gotta put on the shades cos my helmet's so bright!
Who Even Am I?
The question eventually boils down to how do you define who you are?
I've taken in a lot of pride in being an outspoken go-getter who never takes no for an answer, who's persistent, bright, charming and delightful, firm but fair and a force to be reckoned with. I pride myself in tactfully delivering loving-but-necessary bluntness, calling people on their bullshit and being a person who is willing to say what needs to be said. Standing up for what I believe in. I am fun, creative, impassioned, a resourceful problem solver and boy, you wanna be with me? Good luck to you trying to keep up.
If you take away your profession, circle of friends, family, house, car, ways of thinking, if your entire body of professional learning is up for debate and no one seems to value the same things you do... what are you left with?
Do I need to have people agree with me to be OK with who I am? Is who I am only valid when someone else validates me? Am I really that insecure?
I really credited myself with more conviction of character than that. Maybe I'm not really as confident and kick-ass as I think I am...
And if I'm not... well, what then? Does my perception of who I am not actually match the reality of who I am? What else have I deceived myself about? Is a little bit of believing your own bullshit about how shit-hot you are necessary to surviving difficult situations?
Surely, you are more than the sum of your words and your actions, but how much more? If your words and your actions are situation-specific and open to change, then what about the beliefs and values that underpin them? Are you your values and beliefs? Are you your likes and dislikes? Your ways of thinking? Your sense of humour? The language you use? Your reactions? What happens when all of that is challenged? How much of that is up for debate and change when you're in a new country?
I used to teach kids in my class how people are like icebergs: we only see what they say and do, but that is created from a whole lot of other stuff.
And while I was looking for a good example of that, I came across this...
Culture as an iceberg
Which might be more appropriate for my current angst. Kiwi culture is reasonably hard to articulate, but it is definitely there. I remember the first time that I went overseas, someone typifying it as more like an attitude, a way of looking at the world that is respectful, reserved, open-minded and optimistic, curious and kind, we don't take ourselves too seriously, and we've got all that creative, can-do, number 8 wire stuff.
I don't know why, but this somehow encapsulates kiwiness for me.
So if we know that we are 'culturally located', and that one facet of who I am is being a Kiwi, then how much of that am I willing to adjust, tweak or otherwise forsake?
You can take the Lauren out of New Zealand, but can you take the New Zealand out of Lauren, and more importantly - would you want to? And what I would be left with? If 'Being Lauren' is comprised of more components than just being from New Zealand, what is the more? And is it an asset or a liability here?
Obviously there's always parts of your character you can tweak, but having yourself on review, seeing yourself as a problem to be solved is a really harrowing uncomfortable position to be in. I like the idea of honing yourself to being the best version of yourself that you can be, but how uncomfortable is too uncomfortable? How many parts of yourself can be under review at any point in time before you've reviewed and tweaked and changed so many parts of yourself that you are no longer the essential 'you' that once you were?
Lived self: full range of lived behaviours, cognitions and emotions
Learned self: sets of conscious/unconscious rules and roles
Core self: past current and potential working self-concept Level of congruence between different layers of self may vary depending on level of awareness of one's different 'selves' and degree of (mis)alignment and/or (in)consistency between different 'selves'. Expression of different 'selves' also depends on interaction or 'ought' (should) and 'want' mentality of individuals.
This outlines 'self-concept' as your core self, a deeper version of the 'perceived self', which is what others see. The idea that who you are is not what other see or hear is ubiquitous. So what else is there to it?
A model designed to help understand the differences between Aboriginal Australians and other Australians.
I like that this model positions 'self' within all of these different layers such as financial resources, family obligations, role models, miscommunication. The youness of you is made of all kinds of things like coping mechanisms and boredom. I imagine that some of these layers can change shape and sometimes expand to cope with the vastness of you and other times contract and feel like a noose, like when culture is challenged or financial resources are tight.
Homestead on the Corner Lesson 4
By far and away the version that I resonate with is one that is actually designed to help authors make authentic characters. I do sometimes feel like I am writing myself into the saga of my life. This mysterious 'true self' is planted in a garden of needs, and I like that personality is a level out, as if it is somehow external to the 'real you'. Culture in this context seems quite external, which I find interesting because right now my personality and how it is situated and whether or not it is socially or culturally rewarded seem to be a lot of my struggle.
If all of those things are already taken into account though, it does beg the question of what is left in your 'true self', your subconscious interior.
We are told so very very often to just be authentically yourself.
We are told to defy our (feminine) norm of trying to fit in and conform, to not people-please but
Stand out! Sure, you're a bit weird, so is everybody else. But like ice cream flavours, it's great when things a little bit different.
In fact, this thing where you try to fit in? It is overrated.
The internet has so very many instruction manuals on how to ensure 'you do you, baby'.
But what happens if who you are at the moment is not actually that nice a person?
What about if you are scared, neurotic, bigoted, controlling, loud, impulsive, domineering, lording over other people, condescending and generally kinda a pain in the arse? Is this the 'yourself' you're supposed to be?
No. We are supposed to be the version of ourselves that is the most socially rewarded right? Social censuring is supposed to work. We are supposed to listen to the body language, the cues and the customs, the vernacular and the values of those around us.
If the version of 'self' you possess happens to take delight in burning things down or likes the thought of ridding the world of a particularly annoying person, is that the self you're supposed to embrace? Or should one take solace in the fact that that is merely a behaviour and not fundamentally 'who you are' or your 'essence' and changing behaviour is more like the software of yourself where you can install an update, rather than the hardware of yourself, your CPU that is how you interpret and understand the world.
We simultaneously hold this idea of 'be yourself' with 'fit in' and we have to figure out how to do both and not break our relationship with ourselves, or our relationships with others.
So what happens when there are negative social or economic consequences for you being yourself? What if who you are is loud and slightly chaotic and disorganised and dogmatic? Do you still continue to be unabashedly you if you might lose your job? What about if no one likes you?
You change.
You adapt your words, your behaviour, right? You tweak your perceived 'self'. You accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative, even if the parameters of what is considered positive and what is negative have changed.
In the same way you highlight your lovely lips or fluttering eyelashes with make up, you cover up your personality blemishes as well with coping strategies, alcohol, sleep, self-help books, different behaviours, different jobs, different friends, and in extreme cases, different countries.
I cover up forgetfulness with reminders and disclaimers, and self-centredness with mental exercises like imagining life in another's shoes, reading and trying to listen more. We are not doomed to our default settings.
We laud it as 'change', and 'progress' to ourselves, but I don't know about you, I will never be able to get enough organisational strategies to compensate for the natural chaos that comes out of me in a Pandora's-box-type fashion when given the chance of an art activity or baking blitz. It will always be a battle between the hardware of spontaneity and crazy chaos and the software of order and control.
Is there not something equally as valid in coming to terms with these limitations of ourselves as there is in coming to terms with our bitchin' brilliance? Do we not need both?
I think certainly we do need to curtail the extremities of ourselves sometimes and in some circumstances. I think this is necessary to a certain extent to function in polite society. It is necessary to maintain a job or relationships or housemates.
What about when these changes start to impinge on your essence, your true self? Is that even possible? How many habits can you change before you are unrecognisable to the old you? Are you more than the sum of your habits? What if the old you simply ceases to exist? Does that mean you are no longer being true to yourself or like a growing reptile, have you simply shed an outdated skin?
Or is that just realising that that habit or person or belief no longer fits in your life. It no longer serves a purpose.
What if you don't like the new you, but everyone else does? Do you shut up and live with it because the consequences of not doing so are too vast?
This whole unapologetically be yourself thing is a fucking sham. Who you are is culturally specific, and continuing to unabashedly be that person in a new culture is somewhere between insensitive and just plain obtuse - though exactly where, I've not yet worked out.
In case you haven't already figured it out, the Irish culture rewards Jared's personality much more than it does mine, and so I now need to make some decisions about exactly which parts of myself I'm going to say actually no I like that, and I do not care about your opinion on it, and which parts I'm going to have to sit down and deconstruct then reconstruct. Which critiques are valid?
Unfortunately for me, a lot of them skip the external layers of identity and seem to cut right to the core of my values and beliefs, and I'm without the luxury of being able to agree to disagree. These situations have not ended well for me in most of my life to date, and have usually resulted in ceased employment or imploded friendships or relationships, so here's hoping I can find a middle road between disappointing myself and disappointing others.
Like I do not even know what that means anymore...
When I lived in Laos I read Bryce Courtnay's Whitethorn, a harrowing story of a boy growing up in an orphanage in South Africa. As he became a man he discovered the saying 'to thine own self be true', as he was reading something one day, and it was then quoted several times throughout the book. For my super-fundamentalist Christian self at the time, where the mantra was 'less of me, more of you God', that was a revolutionary thought.
So the next chapter in the story of being true to myself is how can I still be true to myself, but also be (the Irish version of) good at my job? Which expectations need to change or cease? Which beliefs need to be challenged or changed? Which habits broken? Where are my red lines? What are my deal breakers?
I've gotten as far as formulating them into actual questions made up of actual words instead of a swirling mess of anxiety...
Now for some answers...
And maybe some kindness and self-compassion.
Which parts of your 'normal' have you struggled with? Do you find it hard to change your internal circumstances or your external circumstances? Have you moved countries or cities and had to adapt? Is change something you dread or look forward to? What kind of changes do you find easy? I'd love to hear your comments on this.
Feb 16 2020, and we've been in Ireland for a full year now.
People often ask me 'So are you loving living in Ireland?'
I always find that really difficult to answer.
'Oh it's grand, much like home, but colder.'
But there's a major difference for me: I'm disconnected here.
No social obligation, no people I have to see, regardless of how much I do or do not want to. It is impossible to visit my grandmothers, and they never reply to my letters, so there's no obligation to write more. No one to say I'm going to catch up with...and then never actually do it.
Initially, it feels like freedom! There's so much available time and a whole vast new city to ingratiate myself to.
In the lack of hosting and attending social gatherings, other parts of my personality have come to the fore.
2019 was the year of embracing my introvert, and 2020 is shaping up to be the same.
I grew up in a family of introverts, and while I adore the blissful peace of being in their presence, I do not identify as an introvert, and have spent many hours and awkward conversations trying to work out their motivations (or lack thereof) and what makes them tick. I have a theoretical understanding, and love the insight, wisdom, calm and depth they bring to my life.
I would consider myself extremely extraverted, energised by people, and obsessed with making connections. It is often joked in my immediate family that I stole all the extravert, and there was none left for my three younger brothers. I certainly do enjoy the depth and philosophy of my inner introvert though. The part of me that likes to gaze at the clouds and people watch. The part of me that likes to come up with theories about life - life is like boogie boarding, life is like chewing gum - a few features from my teen years. The part of me that likes to muse on 'but where did we come from?' and the part of me that likes to write.
One of the parts of moving countries that I was looking forward to the most was having more time to write. I knew I definitely would have more time to write because when you move, your world shrinks: you're disconnected.
My world - being my social circle - has definitely shrunk. It's like a blank slate, and you get to entirely reinvent yourself, like a new outfit in a wardrobe, you get to choose which version of you you want to be.
After a little while the reality of being disconnected sinks in. It is, in a lot of ways, horrible. You have no friends, you have no one to call if you want to go shopping, you have no one to get new job leads from, you have no one to randomly go for a drink with, no one to just chill and watch a movie with, no one to help orient you around your new home. Who do you ask about where to get vacuum cleaner bags from when Google is sketchy with the answer?
Sure, I've been out and I have met a bunch of cool people, and we have some really beautiful beginnings of friendships.
All this has been hard for my extraverted side. I feel like I have been socially castrated. My discussion circle had shrunken. The input for a vast range of perspectives has disappeared. I don't currently have my gaggle of girls to guzzle Gewurztraminer with and gather to gossip and gritque (go with it) the latest gripping book.
No one I've met here yet seems to fully 'get' me, nor I them, and I feel like I'm playing blind man's bluff trying to figure out how to be cool and get people to like me. Like if we had to move again, we'd probably just do it by ourselves you know?
And as for moving bodies... well.
New Normals
I really enjoyed 2018. I had a vast array of interactions with a vast array of teachers, students, and parents in my professional life, as I was relief teaching between 10 different schools rather than in one classroom, as well as tutoring 16 different students after school. 2018 was full of bouncing around between different schools, thousands of different people and different expectations and normals. I was fiesty, flexible and fabulous!
I would be doing phonics with five-year-olds one day and then coaching cricket with too-cool-for-school tweens the next. Most importantly: I was pretty boss at all of this. This was within my comfort zone and it was satisfying and really validating to be able to walk into nearly any classroom and have a good day.
Don't you love/hate it when people remind you how good it is to grow but you feel like you're slowly being crushed under the weight of this new knowledge??
People's different expectations of themselves, life, others fascinates me. They way they do life and how they interact with others is nuanced and individual. Each set of normals has its own pros and cons, and I have made it my life's mission to try and steal other people's brilliant normals. Each set of normals has its own behaviour that is encouraged and conversely shunned. I adjusted and adapted, but held largely to my harsh-but-fair-scathingly-sarcastic-firm-but-fun teaching self. Some schools I was not a good fit in, and because I was going between so many different ones, it was easy to rationalise it as 'I am not a good fit in that school' rather that 'They don't want me to work there again? There must be something wrong with me.'
One way to explain this is a values match or a values clash. I did a really interesting exercise when I was seeing a psychologist a while back where she got me to map out what things I valued from this list.
She got me to choose 5 that were super important to me, 8 that were quite important, 5 that were super unimportant, and 8 that were unimportant, and 10 or so that were important.
My chart looked something like this:
(Lauren's Values c. 2014, age 27. Chart may be slightly exaggerated for journalistic purposes)
And she took one look at it and said 'is teaching the right fit for you?' Particularly the school I was working in at the time - the Quite Unimportant list were values that were integral at that school, and thus I did not fit in. My values were not aligned.
If I were to do that exercise again now, a little older, with a bit more teaching experience, a bit more life experience and a very opposite-to-me husband, the list would look quite different now. My normal has changed quite a bit since I was a 27 year old beginning teacher with crippling anxiety living in Auckland.
My normal has changed quite a bit even just in the last year. Moving is big. Moving countries is bigger. Leaving your job is big. Leaving your career is bigger. We've ticked off 5 major stress events in the last 5 years according to this internet list of stressful things, and my score is a soaring 446 of a possible 600 on the Holmes and Rahe Stress test, if you include getting married 2.75 years ago.
So slowing down has been good, necessary, strange, blissful, weird and kind of like that first deep breath as you relax in a nice warm bath.
This is my new normal...
It has taken a bit of getting used to, but I'm starting to enjoy this new normal of a small, little, quiet life. The pace of my life has changed a lot. Not only am I working part time, but I'm working less intensely.
My introverted side is in heaven.
I spend a LOT of time in my own head at the moment, for better or for worse.
I have 1.5 week days a week to write, where I have the whole apartment to myself.
I work as a nanny, and I have few colleagues. I have a boss now who is intimately interested in what I do in a day. I get paid to cook and play hide and seek and make sure homework is completed. I get paid to appropriately apportion time on the trampoline and ensure that rooms are tidy, and paint and craft. I get paid to parent someone else's darlings.
I didn't realise how much I enjoyed sharing situations I found myself in and having colleagues confirm (or deny) that I'd done the right thing, until I couldn't do that anymore.
It can a daunting thing having only yourself to rely on, your thoughts, values, judgements, beliefs, your modus operandi, your ways of moving and being.
This is more daunting when you realise that your thoughts and values are not the same as those around you. I used to take delight in being a little 'out of the box', now it seems like a liability.
Professionally and personally, I have so much choice about what I do with my time. It is simultaneously wonderful and weird. Once the 'must dos' are ticked off, there's a bit of flexibility, which usually gets channelled into calming the chaos of the home rather than any personal projects.
My introverted parts have had very little air time since I started teaching in 2012; I haven't had time for them. More than that - I didn't have spare mental bandwidth.
You do also spend a lot of time in your own headspace teaching - but there's little to no room for your own thoughts. Teaching is in a lot of ways is quite a lonely profession. Despite being surrounded by people, you spend a lot of time planning, thinking about your own class and your own expectations and your own normals, and your interpretations of the curriculum, and your students behaviour.
Now my head is not constantly assessing and reassessing and reflecting and inquiring about all my students the hamster wheel that is my brain is at a bit of a loss as to what to be pondering about next.
Some of this time is now spent drafting an array of literature in my head - from children's stories to novels to self-help books. Some of it is spent doing a constant compare and contrast between Ireland and New Zealand. Some of it is spent philosophising about life like I did as a teenager... and wondering about the new normals I am creating for myself - are they going to lead to long-term happiness? What would life be like if everyone did have a Universal Basic Income? Are morphic fields real? Should I take a self-proclaimed expert economist seriously? How even does the economy work? I'm pretty sure it's just smoke and mirrors and 'confidence'. Could I write comedy? Why are the body corp. of our apartment building so angsty about car parks when there's 20 free spaces that NOBODY USES EVER? How long until the USA implodes in on itself because it's taken advantage of it's most vulnerable for too long? Why can't I single-handedly solve the homeless crisis and world hunger?
You know... the usual.
Laos
I have lived overseas before. It's fascinating looking at what is similar and different about this time and last time, given the circumstances were so very different.
2008 I moved to Laos, a tropical third world country with pot holed mud roads and beautiful, friendly, kind people. I made some great friends there, and some great memories.
I wrote a lot of travel updates about my adventures in Laos, but not really anything much else, although I did start an autobiography of sorts - imagine thinking at 21 that I had a story to tell then! If only I had known what was in store...
I did a lot of travelling for work, and did a lot of reading whilst waiting for planes, and buses, and waiting to see government officials in far away villages.
My room was fastidiously cleaned because I had basically no clothes, and so this lack of stuff led naturally to a lack of clutter. I was also wary of giant spiders as big as my hand, which appeared on a weekly basis through the gap between where the walls joined the ceiling. My bed was made and my mosquito net securely overlapped by 1m so that there was definitely not going to be any nasty surprises when nestled in my bed.
Having to deck out a kitchen from scratch is expensive, so I existed with a chopping board, 2 glasses and 4 plates, and a basic cutlery set.
Time moved slower, because there was so much less to fill up the time. There was work and home, and trying to call people at home at a time that didn't suck for one of you, and little else initially.
Exploring... there was a lot of exploring. Just getting on my motorbike and going, seeing what there was to see. I slowly added ultimate frisbee, rugby, swimming and teaching English in the evenings.
My love of food mandated that there was food tourism in lots of the local restaurants and I discovered truisms like it is impossible to recreate a first time experience, and living like a Westerner in a third world country is a surefire way to be broke.
I got massages nearly every week. It was epic.
There was a barrier between me and Lao people in language, but also in ways of thinking, ways of being, ways of doing things, in what is considered polite, dress, appearance... Everything. And so, when no longer hemmed in by my society's rules, and not really knowing the rules of the society I lived in, I started to go a little crazier than normal - one day doing cartwheels down the street just because I could - nearly causing a Lao guy riding past on his motorbike to crash at the sight.
Culture shock hit, hard, and I was deeply lonely, disconnected and depressed. I cried at the drop of a hat and no amount of 'trying to make the best of it' seemed to work.
Enter: Ireland
I thought Ireland would be different. I'm older, experienced, married, a professional.
There are echos of similarity though.
Things are just a little bit different. People are just a little bit different.
Everything is in miniature here. Our 'spacious' two bedroom apartment is smaller than our pre-renovated house in New Zealand. The roads are narrow, and footpaths crowded with signs half way across. Bars are cramped and crowded, and there is nowhere to dance.
Time bends, and the only person I really have to air my thoughts to is Jared and whoever is on the other end of the video chat on any given day for an hour or so.
It feels like a different universe to the plethora of people we had in Whanganui; different friends over each night, hosting parties and being involved in clubs, having family nearby, and friends in any city in NZ that I care to go to.
It's not that I haven't wanted to join clubs, but we're limited - financially, geographically, and time wise so it does make joining clubs harder. However, I am currently researching choirs and signed up to a dance class to start Monday night.
The gym is 10 minutes away, but despite its closeness, it still seems like Herculean task to go.
If I have a disagreement with Jared - thankfully seldom to never - I don't really have anyone here to talk to about that.
I have gone from a classroom about 25 different children each day to 3 children that I look after in much more depth and detail than any of my previous students.
I have gone from 60 hour weeks teaching full time in New Zealand, to 30 hours on a cruisy week, and 40 on a busy one.
My wardrobe had shrunk. I have only recently started adding some clothes to my wardrobe for the first time in over a year. I am now more discerning before I add things to my wardrobe - the criteria is 'what purpose does this serve' rather than just 'aww that's cute, I wonder if it fits'.
Money, possibly money that should be saved - is siphoned off for travelling or adventures as soon as humanly possible. Next adventure: Scotland and Liverpool at Easter.
The only thing that seems to have gotten bigger is my commute - Dublin is much bigger than Whanganui, which means more places to explore, but longer commutes.
You know the 'Am I the Asshole?' type conversations - the ones where you're trying to work out if it is you that is in the wrong by some unlikely happenstance - I do not have many people here to hash that out with, and the criteria for being an asshole is just a bit different. For those who thought I was a bit full on in New Zealand, I have the social nuance of a lead balloon here.
I have significantly less stress here. There is a certain amount of stress that comes with moving countries, but it is still less than your average year of teaching in New Zealand.
Because our apartment is so small, it is significantly easier to clean, and so that happens more often.
We have basically no bench space, cupboard space or fridge space so we eat less, so hopefully eventually I'll shrink as well - I yoyo a lot at the moment, but trending downwards.
Due to the significantly decreased strain on my brain, I can feel it turning to mush in some ways. I tried to do maths yesterday and had to seriously think about it way more than I was used to.
However, the brilliant bit about this slow paced tiny little life is I can finally hear myself think again. I used to write poetry, I used to have ideas, I used to spend a lot of time creating theories and philosophising, and then I started teaching and most of that got sidelined, as teaching is all-consuming that when you're not teaching, you're planning or you're recovering from teaching. It is potentially just the way that I do teaching, in a boots and all kind of manner, but I think it is bigger than that. It is the culture of teaching in New Zealand - if you're not 110% in then you're a crappy teacher.
I took a summer off from teaching and worked in my step-dad's honey shed over the 2015 summer and because my brain got to have a rest from incessantly analysing children and planning lessons, I composed - in my head, though not yet on paper - this whole series of children's books about bees and how honey is made, and all these brilliant learning experiences that I was going to create when I went back to teaching.
Some of them I followed through on, most of them I forgot about in the whirlwind.
The Advantages of a Quiet Life
I remember listening to a brilliant TED talk about stopping learning and starting thinking. He spoke of how Albert Einstein came up with his best theories, not when he was a paid academic, but when he was an office clerk, doing boring repetitive work.
In the same way a field needs time to be fallow in order to produce the best fruits, a brain needs downtime away from constant stimulation in order to come up with its most brilliant things. Learning is important, I love learning - in fact you can even rearrange my name to 'u learn' - but there is a time to stop learning and start thinking.
I think that this is what we miss about dead end repetitive jobs - particularly manual labour jobs - the time to think, the time to dream, the time to compose and create.
If work is your only and sole focus, then yea, a dead end repetitive job is lame, but if work is something you do to be able to finance the rest of your life, a dead end repetitive job is gold, and allows for ample time and headspace to be able to plan your life or compose your next book.
I have been away from the environment of a classroom for 15 months now, and I do miss it. There is something brilliant about creating learning activities for students. It feels like a super power when it goes right. But the way teaching takes over your headspace, and the way you take work, and children's dilemmas home with you, it takes over your whole mental bandwidth. It is a lifestyle not a job.
It is delightful to have some bandwidth spare, to do something other than life admin and teaching. It feels like coming up to breathe.
It is this beautiful reawakening of this fallow creative soul that has only had an outlet in creating lesson plans, but is now allowed to think and dream and create, this is the part that I'm really enjoying about living in Ireland.
So while I rail against this tiny little life and my Extra AF Extravert side is hell-bent on expanding this peaceful tiny existence, I'm trying to sit and be OK with the smallness, and embrace the enough.
And so like my teaching persona that I put on in a classroom, perhaps I have an Irish persona, a calm quiet life that I have in Ireland, free of the fun and frivolity of midnight spas, but also full of philosophising and drafting things to go in the Winter Papers.
At least a few chapters into my first book, so watch this space.
And what about you?
What is 2020 the year of for you? What have you done when you've had a values clash? What are your top 5 values? Have you moved countries? How long did it take you to feel like not-an-alien? What things have you been musing about lately? Do you have any theories about life? Lay them on me, I'd love to hear them.
It has been nearly a year since mum dropped us off at Auckland airport, so what have we been doing in that time?
Here is our 2019 in brief.
January
After frantically packing up our house, we flew to Los Angeles stayed with some friends I've not seen in about a decade, and explored every corner of the city in 5 short days. We skipped the walk of fame but did get to Malibu, the Getty Villa, the SS Iowa, La Brea tar pits, California space center and the Natural History Museum.
Hollywood in Auckland Airport to actual Hollywood
La Brea Tar Pits
And people say I have a big mouth
Waiting for the LA Philharmonic to start
USS Iowa
Docked near Long Beach, it is a sight to behold.
The Getty Villa is simply stunning - it is a recreation of a villa believed to be owned by Julius Caesar's Father in law
Sunset at Santa Monica Pier from the ferris wheel
Santa Monica Beach
The lovely Lyndon and Beth hosted us, and Lyndon got us cheap tickets to the LA Philharmonic performance of John Williams soundtrack show - the one where he would be conducting a special happy birthday rendition to the resident conductor of the LA Phil.
Us outside Walt Disney Concert Hall
We were in the Choir Stalls, could practically read the music over the musicians' shoulders! Very cool to see the mechanics of it all.
We enjoyed watching an American football game - the Probowl - at an American bar, drinking American beer, eating American pizza, being befriended by Americans who were very curious about New Zealand.
Highlight: torn between seeing the LA philharmonic play the music of John Williams from Jaws, Harry potter, Star Wars, Hook and more and looking out over LA from the Griffith Observatory by the Hollywood sign.
View from Griffith Observatory, on the hill by the Hollywood sign
Lowlight: Thinking because of the government shut down our ESTA status hadn't cleared and having major panics. Also frantically trying to get everything sorted with our house before we left the country.
From there, we went to Las Vegas.
February
Las Vegas
Las Vegas the expensive, gawdy beacon shining in the middle of the desert.
Cirque du Soliel - Mystere
The shows are definitely worth it - Cirque du Soleil's Mystere and Absinthe - would highly recommend.
Somewhere near Caesar's Palace
Absinthe Show
More from the Absinthe Show - male pole dancing
At Caesar's Palace
Chillin in the spa at Treasure Island
Out and about on the Strip
Somewhere near our hotel, just chillin on the sidewalk
In New York New York after the rollercoaster there - it is EPIC!
Finally a high heel that might fit me ;)
Trying twinkies at the Neon light graveyard... very average
There's a 5 storey m&m shop on the Strip
We explored lots of casinos, decided the lines for a bunch of rides were too long, tried some gambling with a modest amount of money, got tricked into going to an after party for the Lady Gaga concert as Lady Gaga was supposed to be there - it was feasible-ish - she was playing mere metres away from that club.
Paris, in Las Vegas - the real Paris is obviously better
Freemont St in Old Town part of Las Vegas. There was a 3 hour line for the zip line along the roof, so we enjoyed the lights instead.
30th Birthday Crew ready to paaaaartaaaaay!
I was definitely not the shiniest thing at any point in LV.
We enjoyed escaping to the country to catch up with Jared's friend and his family for a day, having BBQ and playing with guns. It was the quintessential American experience. (The Americans didn't like it when I made them pick up all the gun casings from the bullets though.) When asked about my (Lauren's) reticence around guns, I explained what happened with my brother, and how I vehemently disagree with the American philosophy on guns for fun, however despite my soap box moment, I was pleased to know that I was still quite a good shot.
Little Harvey and the lovely Heather
Mayer and his Nana - kiwi girl from Gizzy I believe, but now living with her whanau in Moapa.
We journeyed around the Grand Canyon and stopped at the Hoover dam on the way. It's the finest dam Jared had ever damn seen.
What a damn sexy man ;)
We then proceeded on to meet up with Jane and Marie, and it started snowing when we were nearly there. We were passed by a BMW going too fast, and caught up to it about half an hour later, where it had had a close encounter of the tree kind. It snowed about a foot overnight and Jane's dreams of tramping in then sleeping in the Grand Canyon were halted, so we ended up spending 2 days in a crappy hotel room in the Grand Canyon Village, Lauren as sick as a dog.
Grand Canyon
About a foot of snow fell overnight and we were to all intents and purposes snowed in.
We caught a bus to the village centre, the others went to the information centre but I was too sick, so went back and slept.
We ventured out to another lodge later that night for dinner, and saw a glimpse of the canyon from the restaurant just as the sun was going down. It was very magical!
So before we departed the following day, we made sure we go as close to the Canyon as possible and basked in its snow-dusted beauty.
Something like -10 degrees Celsius low overnight
We had planned to circumnavigate the Grand Canyon, but there was too much snow, so we bailed on our plans to do that. We drove south with the girls to Flagstaff, Arizona for Jane's birthday breakfast pancakes at IHOP. They continued to [some amazing National Park], while we headed back to Las Vegas and onto New York.
We stayed another night in Las Vegas with Matt and Heather before jetting off to New York.
New York
New York was equal parts amazing and tragic. We loved the architecture and the general grandeur. The views from the Rockefeller and the Empire State Building were spectacular and a tribute to man's creation. I loved the subway system but the people we met on the subway, begging for food and money was a damning indictment on one of the richest nations in the world and how they (do not) take care of all those in their society. This was an echo of the tent city on Venice Beach in LA, and was hard to stomach.
We procured a City Pass and went to the 9/11 memorial, the Met (far too briefly), Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty (I was shocked by how small it was in real life).
Mangled truck at 9/11 memorial
The subway to get off at BW - Broadway baby!
Time Square - very close to Broadway, didn't realise this before
View from the Top of the Rock
I, Lauren, had my birthday in New York and we went to see Aladdin, then to a dessert buffet in a rotating restaurant and there were fireworks - for me, obviously - on the Hudson River while we were there! We also were able to get along to see Jeff Daniels in Aaron Sorkin's To Kill a Mockingbird. It was a powerful performance. (If you don't know who those people are, Jared or Michelle are disappointed but will school you up.)
We went to see Aladdin for my birthday!
|Dessert buffet
Grand Central Station
Us at Grand Central
Not sure what this is, but it looks fun!
Not as big as I thought it was...
Us on Liberty Island, looking back at Manhattan Island
I mean it's really just a stylish Smurf right?
The main immigration centre for a long time, on Ellis Island, processed millions from 1892, before closing in 1954
Just a small town boy...
Jackson Pollock at the Met
Hard Rock Cafe before a comedy gig
It snowed a lot while we were New York, which was magical, but slippery. One disappointment was the free ice skating I was hoping to do while we were there was free.... you had to pay to hire the boots and store your stuff so would've ended up being about US$50, so we skipped that.
Snow in Central Park - we were staying quite close so walked from our accommodation to the Met
Somewhere in Central Park
Museum of Natural History - East Coast edition
We also had Valentine's Day in New York. Jared organised that night and we were treated to a 3 course meal and a live Jazz band in the Bronx. It was thoroughly delightful!
Final day- Walking over the Brooklyn Bridge
Our final day in New York was crossing culinary things of our to eat list - we had alcoholic ice cream, cookie dough sundaes, but didn't quite make it to design-your-own Macaroni cheese.
Cookie Dough Sundae
LOVE me some good badges! or buttons...
Near Madison Square Gardens
Just so many pretty buildings everywhere!
The Empire State Building - all 102 floors of it!
View from the top towards the Hudson (?)
Alcoholic ice cream yeeyah!
Dublin
Feb 16 we arrived in Dublin. Dublin was quite warm compared to New York, and it felt much closer to home. Arriving here was like stepping back in time in terms of architecture, and we were soon to find out, in terms of infrastructure. Dublin has lots of quirky back alleys and funky art studios, and is simultaneously parochial and progressive.
Guinness in Dublin tastes different - it tastes lighter and smoother
Along the River Liffey in Dublin - buildings aren't allowed to be more than 5 storeys high to maintain the 'look' of Dublin
Jared started work on Feb 20 so we figured we'd be able to find a place in a few days now that we were actually on the ground. Prior to arriving, we hadn't even received responses from adverts. After arriving, it was a 1 in 10 rate of reply for a viewing time that we may or may not be able to make.
No.
Pre-dawn light from Monkstown, where we had our first non-hotel accommodation in a month
Monkstown Castle remains - which some random old guy came and showed us around.
Dublin rental market is insane (please refer to this article about how it is the worst city in the world for expats to be securing accommodation). After a dozen viewings and putting in a few offers on places we decided to broaden our search in terms of geography and price range.
We secured a temporary premises in Monkstown so we could get out of a hotel and cook our own food, and found somewhere in Lucan for €1450 (~2500NZD) a month. It seemed nice, so we made an offer, and they accepted it.
A church in Monkstown looking eerie in the pre-dawn fog
Poolbeg towers from Monkstown
Highlight: 2 shows on Broadway, arriving in Dublin, and exploring our new home.
Lowlight: Guy with newly amputated arm on New York subway begging for money as his job let him go, not even asking for money, just wanted someone to talk to him and make eye contact. It was absolutely heartbreaking.
March
March 1 we moved into our apartment in Lucan. It was not very nice after all it turned out. The owners had done a hodge-podge job of transforming an office block into apartments, and there were many problems including random wires hanging from random places to the hot water in the shower only working intermittently. The clincher was living there for 2 months and still not being able to get internet connected because there were no new connections available as our neighbours upstairs had taken the last one.
Did not count on tiny fridges when we were collecting magnets from everywhere we went
March was full of painful life admin. We had to pay our first 2 months plus deposit in cash from our NZ bank account as it took us an age to be able to get an Irish bank account.
The bankers were very proud of how hard they'd made it - it kept the criminals out of the banking world.
Briefly the process went like this:
Go to bank
Say 'We'd like to open an account - here's every piece of legal paper in life that matters.'
No that's not enough, you need to also have X
But we have Y
No, that's not enough you need to go, make an appointment with A, and then wait probably another 1-2 weeks to get X
Then an appointment and a week later,
Ok, we have X now, can we open an account?
Lolno, we also need Q and Z
But I can't get those until I have a bank account
That seems like a you problem
Eventually An Post Banking submitted some address evidence for us that they knew wouldn't be accepted - and An Post sent us a letter that said 'what you sent us was unacceptable, but if you return the bottom part of this letter that we've sent to your address, then that counts as proof of address'. So simple, so effective, job done.
This painful process was repeated for trying to get internet set up, and trying to get a job, and trying to get things done with our landlord - like get a mailbox so we could receive mail.
March was cold, bleak and full of red tape.
But in that time, we did make it to Draperstown, in County Derry, Northern Ireland. This is where Jared's family is from as we did some scoping to see if we could find anything further out. The answer was no, not really.
On the rocky road to Dublin, 1 2 3 4 5... Though actually heading to Belfast at this point
The road to Straw
One LPT to figuring out if you're in Republic or Northern Ireland - the NI phone boxes are red, ROI ones are green
We spent a morning walking around a graveyard in Straw, trying to find some of Jared's missing heritage. We didn't find anything much really, but we did find hurling.
The Straw Church
A Bradley of some flavour - there were hundreds of them - but none of the right flavour - we tasted them all
Hurling yeeyah! Gotta get me to a game at Croke Park
Hurling is this most brilliant sport that is like a combination of hockey, baseball and soccer, and hurlies are giant bad ass sticks that fling a solid af ball across a field at break neck speed and do bad ass stuff like this....
After the hurling we went to find someone who might've remembered one of Jared's great uncles. Turns out who he remembered had the right name, but was not the right person.
This is thought to be the road where some of Jared's forebears resided.
St Paddy's day is also worth a mention! We had our first St Patrick's day in Ireland and went into Dublin proper for the parade, and saw sweet fa, then came back out to Lucan where it had a delightfully small town feel to it, much more reminiscent of Whanganui.
Crossing Ha'penny bridge
One of the few floats that wasn't a marching band from the States
Fun fact: most of the harps in Ireland are backwards for the govt logos because Guinness patented the harp symbol sitting the correct way.
This is the guy tried to convince us all the famous people we knew were Irish and went one for one with Jared, after J was already 2 whiskeys in.
Around this time I started working at Finnstown Castle Hotel as a waitress. It was alright, but their resounding lack of organisation drove me insane, and the 6am starts which required a 4:30 am wake up on my part were hard.
Highlight: Visiting Draperstown before Brexit, Getting a job at a castle, albeit minimum wage and 20 hours a week.
Lowlight: BANKS
April
April was full of working, getting frustrated with the shit systems or lack of systems that permeated every facet of this workplace, and applying for other jobs.
We watched a lot of Father Brown, and hotspotted from our mobiles to get internet in our apartment. Thankfully 20GB mobile data is a standard part of prepaid plans here.
We went for a weekend adventure to Maynooth, and found a beautiful campus.
And I fell in love with this tree!
Celtic Nights gave us a taste of Irish dancing and song and a beautiful three course meal to celebrate Jared's birthday.
Convenient when one's birthday falls on Easter and one loves chocolate
The warmer weather enticed us to some outdoor adventures and we discovered the beauty of Bray Head.
Highlight: Jared actually getting paid, after working for 6 weeks, and between us, our first pay since December.
Lowlight: Job hunting - apparently my CV is too extra for Ireland.
May
I started working in a creche in mid-May. It was slightly less shit than hospitality, but did involve more real life actual shit. The hours were better, the staff were great. The management were dysfunctional and the systems, again, were shit or nonexistent.
We spent a lovely weekend in London with Debra and Geoff, and it was so very lovely to see them! We went to The Mouse Trap and also Matilda, and a lovely river cruise along the Thames.
The Mouse Trap is the longest running show in the West end and the world
We dined in Chinatown, much to Jared's ambivalence
We stayed at a hotel in the West End and it came with a... toy?
Trafalgar Square and the National Gallery
Trafalgar Square has lions
Westminster Castle
Tower Bridge
Mid-afternoon espresso martini
Exploring Camden Markets
Flying into Dublin
Alas, half of our trip was getting to and from London Southend Airport which is in actual fact nowhere near London at all.
Malahide Castle was on our list of local places to explore, and it was certainly worth the venture. It is set on 260 acres of beautiful, well kept grounds, including an international cricket pitch. We were able to get in for a guided tour and it was worth it, it's a very interesting place. It was lived in until fairly recently (1975) and dates back around 800 years. It was the rally point for the Irish armies of King James II as they prepared for battle against William of Orange (See Derry Girls, Season 1, Episode 5 for information on how that turned out for the Irish). Also, Butterfly house and International garden, including an Australian and NZ section.
We also moved in May. We decided that enough was quite enough and not being able to have a functional internet connection was a deal-breaker for us. Jared was exhausted from leaving at 6:30am and not being able to get home until 7:30-8pm at night due to all the buses leaving town after 6pm being full by the time he went to catch them.
We found a really nice apartment in town with an extra bedroom, and proceeded to leave Lucan as quickly as humanly possible.
Customhouse Dublin on the Liffey
Highlights: New apartment that actual feels like a home, London cherry popped, and visiting Malahide castle.
Lowlight: Having to pay double rent for May/June during switch over or Ryan Air experience getting out of Southend London - £50 cab ride to get there on time and then flight delayed for 2 hours.
June
(Skip June, it largely sucked, with the exception of 24 hours in Galway)
June was wet and cold, and I was sick for nearly the entire month. My creche job let me go, which I was pissed off about, but definitely feeling like I'd dodged a bullet. It did mean that we had even less income in June and July than we'd anticipated, and a significant increase in rent from what we were paying in Lucan.
However, I did have the luxury of Kim and Kelsey. friends from Auckland, coming to visit from their temporary home in Edinburgh. Due to timetabling issues, we didn't really have much time to catch up, so long story short, I ended up in Galway with them.
So Jared caught the train over and we enjoyed 24 hours in Galway.
Galway is full of quaint wee buildings
The mouth of the Corrib River
I think Galway looks a lot like Wellington
Sitting at the river mouth
Memorial for the victims of the famine
The Corrib river used to be full of Salmon, but due to overfishing, has been severely depleted
Following the Corrib River up to the dam
Dam where the salmon swim up
I spent the whole month applying for jobs, getting interviews and then being told I'd been beaten out by an Irish person or someone with slightly more niche experience than me.
I did secure a summer job at a language school, but it didn't start until July. There is no apply for a job and yes please start tomorrow/next week here.
Highlight: Summer-ish evening at Howth having fish and chips on the beach at Claremont Beach.
Lowlight: €70 doctor's visits, perpetual sickness
July
I worked at a English Language school taking students from Spain, Italy, Mexico, Russia and Andorra all over Dublin to touristy activities such as Dublinia (Dublin's Viking History Museum), Dublin Castle, Butler's Chocolate Factory, up to Belfast a few times and many more places. It was very fun, and I met some quality people.
Castletown House in Celbridge
Irish National Stud...This is not one of the studs
St Patrick's Cathedral
Trinity College Library, over 300 years old
The Titanic Experience, Belfast
Model of Titanic
Protestant mural in honour of 'Top Gun' who killed the most Catholics in a year
Bobby Sands, who died in the hunger strikes in the Troubles
The beautiful building that is the Belfast City Council
Viking Splash tour... This is my smile prior to the breakdown
Glendalough upper lake
Glendalough Lower Lake
Wicklow Jail showing what kinds of conditions prisoners endured if thrown in jail.
Bray Air Show
July was when a lot of good nannying jobs came about, and I secured a job for the start of the next academic year, nearing the end of August with a lovely family.
It didn't rain for the entire month of July and the Italians and Spanish still complained about the weather here.
Highlight: Belfast Taxi trip learning about the Troubles and also the Titanic Experience, meeting like minded people.
Lowlight: Failing to teach the chocolate game to Italian teenagers - the fuckers just stole the chocolate.
August
I managed to get a job working at a creche for the 3 week gap between my summer job and my nannying job, and it was the 3 week confirmation that I needed that early childhood teaching is not for me, not here at least.
I commenced my nannying job and knew at once that I'd made a really good move. I loved the freedom, the responsibility and the kids.
We went to Belfast for a day trip on August 3, and did the full version of the Black Taxi Tour with John which was very eye opening. The murals on the end of the housing rows show some progress towards togetherness and unity. Belfast is a really pretty city, and I adored the City Council Building.
The peace wall that divides Belfast
Belfast Rose Gardens
Queen's University
We partook in a historical walking tour with someone from Dublinia about the old Viking city and the city walls. It was very interesting.
Vikings Mural with a map of the stars, by Smock Alley Theatre. Dublin was created as a city by Vikings.
The ancient city walls built when the 1200s when the Brits came and walled in the city.
We also just went for a few good walks. One from Dalkey to Killiney Hill...
The view from Killiney Hill
And another circumnavigating the Howth Peninsula, backwards and losing the trails haha.
View from a golf course atop the Howth Peninsula
I present Howth
Heather be the purple stuff methinks
Howth Cliffs
Howth Village
Highlight: Exploring Howth peninsula with my bae
Lowlight: Being told by an Irish mum that I wasn't 'nice' enough to her kid who threw a tantrum about everything and took great delight in hurting other kids, me and swearing when she didn't get her way.
September
Brendon and his friend Raukawa came to visit in September, which was awesome. We took a few days and went around Ireland in what can only be phrased as a whistlestop tour, circumnavigating most of the island in three days, and we then met them in London for a weekend a couple of weeks later.
This is a photo of the trip we did, minus the Giant's causeway in the far north.
Powerscourt House and Gardens
Us at Glendalough
Kilkenny Castle
Slea Head Road
We met Brendon and Raukawa in London for Brendon's birthday weekend, which was lovely, but monarchy is a weird thing.
Buckingham Palace
Picture Gallery in Kensington Palace
Hyde Park
On the London Eye
Westminster Abbey
A lot of my down time was spent compiling paperwork to put together my application for my Irish teaching registration.
I spent several weekends training to be part of a youth mentoring programme called Le Cheile (It's not pronounced how you think,unless you french I guess?) that mentors youth who are on probation, and also the families that support them.
Highlight: Road trip all over the Irish countryside with Brendon/Raukawa/Jared - although technically most of this was in August.
Lowlight: Dealing with Irish teacher's council and their obsession with paperwork.
October
In October, we had the delight of hosting Jess Julian, given Jared was really stressed out at work and I had more time off than him, we opted for me to meet Jess in Paris.
The next weekend we all went on for a road trip around Ireland, bonding with other Kiwis over rugby. We trekked to Kylemore Abbey, pit stopped for a rugby game. The Cliffs of Moher were breath taking. Definitely go to the top - cheaper and better looking than the ferry.
Kylemore Abbey
Sunset from Galway
Cregg Castle
Doolin, by the Cliffs of Moher
Cliffs of Moher
My nanny kids were aghast that I had never been trick or treating before, so invited me to come with them, and I did. It was a very sweet night.
Highlight: Montmatre Wine and Food festival and salsa dancing by the Seine at midnight.
Lowlight: Dealing with Irish Driver License issuers
November
Kat Davidson, a childhood friend, who happens to live in Ireland as well, came down to visit us and stay for a weekend, with her very adorable daughter Skylah. It was really lovely to reconnect and meet her now.
We spent a Friday night listening to the oratory pratings of Sean Rocks, the host of the RTE Arena 1 show, and I really enjoyed his way of questioning. It was thorough, well-researched and brought out these really great stories from these really great writers. I had forgotten how utterly lovely it is to hear well-put together words being read aloud by their authors. We went upstairs to the wine and schmooze evening afterwards and managed to meet Siobhan McSweeney, Sister Michael from Derry Girls, who was a contributing author.
November is now officially done, and to be honest, we didn't really do very much at all as we are saving for Christmas in Prague and still sending money home to subsidise our house.
Highlight: Going to the Dublin Book fair, listening to the RTE Arena show interviewing some of the authors from the Winter Papers book, and meeting Siobhan McSweeney, an actor from Derry Girls
Lowlight: Falling down half a flight of stairs and bruising my tush after a Christmas Party in front of all of my new friends!
In conclusion...
Things that we really love about Ireland
Music on every street corner
Their party spirit - getting into Pride parade, Halloween, Christmas
Proximity to Europe
Scenery of the Irish Countryside
Public transport - it's really easy to live without a car here
Great pubs, plenty of craic
Proliferation of New Zealand wine
Living in the middle of the city - everything is on our doorstep
Inclusiveness of other cultures by most
Compassion and kindness are a big part of the ethos here
Things we loathe about Ireland
General lack of functional systems - where the fix to us seems self-evident
Cost of living in Dublin coupled with depression of wages and our relative need for belt tightening
It is like stepping back in time living here in terms of technological advancements, and environmental awareness. Some pluses with this in terms of social stuff are that people are quite friendly.
Flakiness of Irish friends - people are initially friendly, but difficult to make meaningful connections, as we're an optional extra for them.
Humidity + cold = asthma
Everything is so small and tightly packed - from groceries packaging sizes to housing to roads
There are no extremes of anything - weather, emotions, effort...
How much Ireland copies American social policy and the resulting poverty, homelessness and extortionist medical system
There is no bona fide equivalent of The Warehouse or K Mart
Unnecessary plastic packaging on maaaaaaany things, but mostly fruit and veg.
Things we dearly miss about New Zealand
Our friends and whanau!
Kiwi junk food. It is simply not worth the calories here
Good beaches
My car
Our house
Functional internet
Spaaaaaa
Winter that only really lasts a couple of months
Jacinda
Foooood in general, but decent quantities, and also Vogels and Marmite, and good fish and chips.
My golly gosh and we still have another few weeks to go until the year has been seen out... so very much life has been fitted into this year, and oddly, it feels like much less than years previous.
If you have made it all the way to the end of this epic epistle, then my heartiest congratulations and salutations. I trust you will have a delightfully merry Christmas and a thoroughly enjoyable New Year.
We are heading off to Prague/Brno for Christmas and we'll be back in Dublin for New Year.
I'm very much looking forward to bringing in 2020 and a whole brand spanking new year with new possibilities and hope of even more adventures!
